A cloned Hitler/Superman hybrid couldn’t come anywhere close to the damage our Socialist/Communist anti-American President has apparently done in his first 100 days in office.

I’ll just let these…people… do the talking, because I don’t know how to keep the napalm death blasts in check after seeing it. This is why I can’t watch Fox News:

Laugh all you want, but like it or not, Twitter is taking over the world. Need some proof? Here’s a compilation of Twitter references in the past week, put together by the folks over at “The Soup” on the E! network.

The micro-blogging service had already roared past 14 million users by the end of March, and with Oprah having joined about a week ago, there’s no point holding out any longer. Resistance is futile. We may as well join up, pool our funds, send it to Oprah in one big chunk and hope she comes up with some genius way to clear up this swine flu mess. We can follow her updates in real-time.

Of course, you can follow Joel McHale at http://twitter.com/joelmchale. You can find Oprah yourself. I want no part of that action.

Unless you’ve been in a coma for the past few months, you’re well aware by now that Twitter is taking over the internet universe at blinding speeds, 140 characters at a time. Having singlehandedly put the term “microblogging” on the map, at only 3 years old Twitter is on the rise in a meteoric way. Soaring past 14 million users, the service grew 131 percent during the month of March alone, and shows no sign of slowing. Oprah just joined on Friday, and the event was covered like the Olympic opening ceremonies. Her draw alone could very well double their numbers.

But what the almighty hell is this thing? An online bird-watching club? Obviously, no. It’s the perfect place to send quick little snippets of information about what you’re doing, what interests you or what’s got your attention at any given time. It’s hyper-networking in ways that make Facebook and MySpace look agonizingly slow and segmented by comparison. Consider it Instant Messaging with the world, with the ability to tap in to the collective consciousness of millions and millions of people around the world in real time, without agenda, without censorship, without a filter or middleman.

In other words, it’s the future of the internet, and if you’re not on board, you damn well better get there.

After you study up on how to use Twitter, you’ll need to think about what you’ll say. Presentation is everything in Twitterland. In the meantime, here’s just a couple terms you need to familiarize yourself with right off the bat:

Tweet(s) – This is what you do on Twitter. Your 140 character bursts of unfathomable awesome are called “tweets,” and while it’s not a term you want to be throwing around at the gym, you damn well better get used to it. If it’s good enough for Oprah, it’s good enough for you.

The “@” sign - This little symbol is your conversational keymaster. Put this in front of the twitter name of the person you are trying to send a tweet to. If you click the little reply button next to a tweet, you don’t have to type the symbol. Whenever a person’s name is preceded by a @ symbol, that means that the sentence (tweet) that follows is directed at them.

The “#” sign – This is called a hashtag. Hashtags were designed to serve the real-time news community, a community-driven feature that enables you to submit your conversation to a broader scope of viewers, like tag clouds on blogs and Flickr. Create a hashtag simply by prefixing a word with a hash symbol. For instance: when discussing the mind-shattering beauty of singing sensation Susan Boyle, you may want to add #TVStars or #Horseface to the end of your tweet.

Following – When you click the little “follow” button under someone’s name on Twitter, you’re essentially subscribing to that person’s Twitter feed. Their tweets will appear on your page, along with those of all the others that you follow.

#followfriday – This weekly tradition is an everybody-wins love-fest where people recommend various people they’re following, followed by the #followfriday hashtag. It’s a great way to gain new followers and show some love to your existing twitter followers.

Direct Message (DM) - Direct Messages work the same way messages do in Facebook or MySpace – it’s basically email in 140 characters, and your DM space is like a Twitter inbox. Only you can see them – DMs are completely private. You can’t DM someone unless they’re following you, so don’t get any big ideas about finally getting some one-on-one time with Kevin Smith.

Twitter Search – Just like it sounds. A perfect way to track down like-minded people on Twitter. For the millions that play along, tweeters and topics a’plenty can be found in whatever area that interests you. Want to find people with the same lunatic political beliefs as you? Just head to the search page, type in your poli-poison of choice and see what comes up. You’d be amazed at the amount of people out there who are just as crazy as you.

WeFollow.com -WeFollow is a fantastic service that enables you to place yourself in three separate Twitter group categories, where like-minded people can find and follow you – and vice-versa. For instance, if you’re an MMA fighter with a love for anime and an encyclopedic knowledge of every player in the WNBA, you’d hit up WeFollow, click “add yourself” (upper right corner), plug in your login info and add yourself under Anime, MMA and WNBA. From that point on, when people do a search for any of those terms, your account will come up on the list. That tells the person that you’re into the same bizarre stuff that they are, and they’ll be more inclined to follow you.

Tinyurl.com – 140 characters may seem like a lot at first, but try adding a link, and you’ll quickly find yourself in the negatives. URL-shortening sites like TinyUrl and Tinycc come in extremely handy when you’re recommending links and still have something to say about it (which you should – never drop blind links). Just hit the site, paste the long domain and the site will convert it into a 25-characters-or-less shortened link. A godsend.

Retweet (RT) - Last but certainly not least, RT’ing is the key to networking and broader appeal. The Twitter network relies upon people sharing info and wisdom with one another openly. The recent Amazon “glitch” fiasco caught real fire on Twitter before standard media even took notice. By the time most news feeds had picked up the story, most people in Twitterland already knew the score.

If someone tweets something that interests you and you feel it would interest your followers, you retweet it for your readers. It essentially quotes that person’s tweet and gives them the credit, so people can see the tweet and follow that person if the info is blindingly amazing.

Example:

Think of it as forwarding an email to everyone in your network – except these forwards won’t usually tend to get you blacklisted from someone’s contact list (unlike that time you RickRoll’d everybody at work with an email titled “mass companywide layoffs”). You might have only 20 followers, which means that only 20 people are exposed to the blazing nuggets of impeccable wisdom you impart. But if one of your followers has 5,000 followers him/herself, and RT’s your tweet, you’ve suddenly got 5,000 new sets of eyes on what you’re saying.

How to RT – Copy the text of the tweet you like, making sure to pay attention to the user that you are copying from. Then scroll up to your text entry box at the top, and begin your tweet with “RT @username: ” then paste your copied text. Submit and you’re done! It’s really pretty simple. The best part? You can delete your tweet and try again if you screw up (the little trashcan next to your tweets).

Alright – so now you’ve got the basics. It’s time to get Tweetin’. Make sure you check out our Twitter Do’s & Don’ts if you’re new to the system, so you’re not left tweeting into the void, nobody listening, nobody caring…

This is a fantastic time for fans of the Marvel Universe, with the smash success of Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk and the upcoming X-Men Origins: Wolverine flick, as well as the barrage of superhero films on the horizon in the great Avengers web. The ball needs to keep rolling, however, and it seems like Marvel could use a hand in picking out a few ideas for the next batch of superhero films.

With that said, here’s Five X-Men: Origins Films They Should Make Next!

APOCALYPSE

First Appearance: X-Factor Vol. 1 #5

Powers: Teleportation, psionic powers, superhuman speed, strength & agility, flight and… oh yeah. He’s immortal.

Apocalypse is an ancient mutant (3000 B.C. qualifies as ancient, right?) megalomaniac, obsessed with putting the Social Darwinist philosophy of survival of the fittest into brutal, dominating action. Age of Apocalypse is a storyline that orginated in 1995, centering on an alternate, futuristic timeline in which Apocalypse has shown himself to be the “fittest” by conquering pretty much the entire world. Anyone up for arguing against that being a hell of an awesome movie concept? Didn’t think so.

Why this movie would kick ass: Aside from his massive popularity and the obviously amazing special effects this film would have to deliver to even have hope of doing the story justice, Apocalypse is regarded as the very first mutant, and that’s a story worth telling.

ARCADE

First Appearance: Super Spider-Man & Captain Britain Issue #248

Powers: He’s one evil, brilliant bastard.

Due to the unique nature of his deathtraps and tactics, Arcade has become one of the most popular villains in the Marvel Comics universe. A master hitman and twisted genius with several possible histories (he enjoys misleading others on that bit), Arcade enjoys the act of killing so much that he built his own underground funhouse of complex, hi-tech deathtraps, usually decked out in bright colors and disguised as an amusement park – a place he fittingly calls Murderworld.

Usually a guest villain spanning only a few issues, this deceptively comical character has fought more superheroes from more franchises than any other Marvel comics villain, except for maybe Dr. Doom. A regular nuisance to the X-Men, Arcade has attempted to kill the likes of Gambit, Colossus, Wolverine, Angel, Iceman, Shadowcat, Angel, Iron-Man… you get the idea. He’s a pretty engaging guy.

Why this movie would kick ass: Marvel could put a seriously dark spin on this one, taking it away from the umbrella of the comic genre entirely. Think The Joker meets Saw. The moviegoing public seems to enjoy twisted torture flicks, and Arcade fits that bill to a “T”.

CYCLOPS

First Appearance: X-Men #1

Powers: High-intensity optic blast

The X-Men films have generally given Scott Summers a bad rap, casting him as the whiny, cuckolded husband to Wolverine’s show-stealing Cassanova act. He’s a far more interesting player in the greater scheme of the Marvel Universe, however, and deserves a closer look.

The leader of the X-Men and father of X-Force leader Cable is a much more troubled and complex figure than the films have indicated thus far, with a family history and storyline that rivals any in Marvel’s vast realm. He’s been reunited with his space-pirate father, fought beside both a son and daughter from alternate futures, been made a widower twice over and found two lost brothers in the process.

Why this movie would kick ass: Cyclops is a fan favorite, and focusing on his dramatic familial background would be a definite pull for female viewers, as well as comic junkies who want to see the deeper cuts on film.

QUICKSILVER

First Appearance: X-Men #4

Powers: Moving and thinking at super-speeds, looking like a badass

My original idea was to go with Magneto, but since they’re actually making a Magneto film (and it was a fairly obvious choice anyway), the next logical step would be his son, Pietro Frank. A Stan Lee creation, Quicksilver is an epic example of the classic villain-goes-good story. Both Pietro and his sister Wanda were members of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. A righteous bastard top to bottom, he’s an impulsive, arrogant showoff – but that’s not to say he’s without morals. Understanding the flaws in his father’s world view, Pietro joined X-Factor for a time, and despite his inability to completely mesh with the X-Men, he’s a much more fascinating character than the Flash, who shares similar powers and has thus far gotten greater mainstream exposure.

Why this movie would kick ass: Imagine the inner conflict of a kid growing up with Magneto for a father! The arrogance and dark origins mixed with his innate drive to use his powers for good could make this a compelling and entertaining story.

CABLE

First Appearance (as Cable): New Mutants #87

Powers: Telekinesis, telepathy, anatomical enhancements

A telepath/telekinetic from birth and raised in an alternate future dominated by Apocalypse, Cable is the son of Scott Summers (Cyclops) and Madelyne Prior (a clone of Jean Grey). Initially billed as a mysterious thug mercenary with a glowing eye, the one-time X-Force leader was revealed to have powers far beyond what was assumed.

A prime example of he demonstrated the ability to simultaneously levitate the floating city of Providence and combat the Silver Surfer. His bionic body parts possess enhanced strength and durability, as well as the ability to interface with machinery – using his powers to hack into computers, open electronic locks, and even time travel.

Why this movie would kick ass: Because I barely scratched the Cable storyline with that description, and every layer that peels away from Cable is more fascinating than the last.

Did you know that Mr. Rogers was an evil man? By telling children they’re special just for being who they are, the late kid’s show host helped create a generation of worthless, lazy socialists who think they’re entitled to rewards without working. Well, at least that’s what the lunatic poster-children for fear-mongering idiocy at Fox News are saying. In between Glenn Beck’s pathetic crying spells and endless coverage of Obama’s “horrible,” “nation-raping” “socialist agenda,” Fox packed these three idiots into a time slot, fired up the mics and evidently said “Be as utterly fucking ridiculous as you possibly can be.”

The result:
 

The Fox “News” anchors are completely serious when they attribute the differences in academic performance between Asian and American kids to the fact that Asian children didn’t grow up with Mr. Rogers’ encouragement and reassurance that they’re special little snowflakes. It’s got absolutely nothing to do with the fact that we have a nearly bankrupt and hopelessly flawed education system – paying teachers less than garbage collectors – or that parents aren’t instilling the proper work ethic in their children. Essentially, these assholes want you to believe that American children underperform because Mr. Rogers taught them to expect everything in life to be handed to them on a silver platter.

They actually use the word “evil” to describe Mr. Rogers and criticize him for his “optimistic message.” Then one of them starts babbling about how children should go back to churning butter and making their own sweaters.

Let’s get something straight. In addition to being a cornerstone childhood icon that was a safe role model parents could rely on to help guide their child, Rogers was a far greater man than most people were aware of. He singlehandedly saved PBS from the executioner’s axe by testifying on the station’s behalf. He wrote every song you ever heard on his show. He routinely displayed immense acts of generosity, refusing credit or public acknowledgement. He was a better example to children, a better role model, than a good deal of the parents whose job it is to raise them.

According to a TV Guide piece on him, Rogers drove a plain old Impala for years. One day, the car was stolen from the street near the TV station. When he filed a police report, the story was picked up by every newspaper, radio and media outlet around town. Within 48 hours the car was left in the exact spot where it was taken from, with an apology on the dashboard. It read, “If we’d known it was yours, we never would have taken it.”

Once, while rushing to a New York meeting, there were no cabs available, so Rogers and a colleague hopped on the subway. The car was filled with people, so they assumed they wouldn’t be noticed. But when the crowd spotted Rogers, they all simultaneously burst into song, chanting “It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood.” What an evil man.

And you’re going to blame American laziness on him? Every kids’ television character that ever lived should storm the station and dismember these ridiculous fuckers on live television (in front of their thick-headed, racist, panicked & desperately outnumbered audience), so we can see what true mean-spirited idiocy looks like from the inside. 

There are plenty of stories like these to go around. Fred Rogers was one of the greatest influences on children that ever walked the Earth. I’ve left you alone for long enough, Fox News, but you’ve crossed the line. 

You don’t fuck with Mr. Rogers.

Nas, help me out: