Who are the ad wizards at Burger King that came up with this one? The world’s second most popular pusher of quick-n-easy greasy, salted carcass has released a new body spray called Flame that evidently possesses the delectable flavors of a flame-broiled Whopper. No joke.
Billing it as “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat,” Burger King’s selling the burger juice on an affiliate site through firemeetsdesire.com cologne retailer near you. Despite the fact that the stuff’s flying off the shelves faster than you can say “obesity”, I’d say it’s a safe bet that Flame makes Sex Panther smell like Acqua Di Gio.
I’m gonna take a shot in the dark here and guess that no woman had anything whatsoever to do with this little nugget of stupid.
Something tells me that, much in the same way you always tend to get a squished, sloppy version of the burger in the picture at BK, this cologne has all the lady-magnet pheromone power of a ball of fried pubic hair – with the possible exception of deeply undersexed, morbidly obese women. But don’t take my word for it; here’s a firsthand account of the wonderful magic of Flame from Rickey’s, the source site:
Reviewer: Fat Freddy Marsh from Houston, TX United States
This stuff smells like a wicked lactose intolerant fart. I mean, it’s truly nauseating. I sprayed a little bit on my hand and I’ve nearly thrown up 7 times already. It smells like a combination of Spencer’s Gifts, Hott Topix, and adolescent fear wrapped in a skunk’s colon.
Washing does no good. I’ve tried everything. I’ve contemplated cutting my hands off, it’s that bad. Please, someone tell me where the antidote is!
Mmmm..adolescent fear. That actually sounds kind of enticing.
The stuff’s going for $3.99 a bottle, which explains its lack of availability – it’s the hands-down gag gift of the year. The only problem is the fact that people are actually going to be wearing the shit at some point. But hey, if you’ve ever dreamed of smelling like a pile of dead meat covered in wet lettuce, shitty thousand-island dressing and soggy bread, Burger King’s cologne could be just what you’ve been looking for.