The word Maverick meant something else entirely prior to this election cycle, but today’s Mavericks are spontaneous, impulse-reliant game-changers, always full of surprises and fire. Authority and rules are flexible entities to a Maverick, like a river flowing around a boulder – they’re designed to protect and serve the general population while staying the hell out of his way. A Maverick is governed by his own laws and ethics – the ones he considers righteous and patriotic, not some freakish liberal interpretation of what this country stands for. And he’s entitled to change his mind about any of those rules at any time he chooses.
Today may very well be the last time we’ll ever get the opportunity to learn from the biggest Maverick of them all, and a hearty hallefuckinglujea to that. But in honor of the dying presidential hopes of a desperate man and his sitcom-reject joke of a running mate, I’ve put together something of an idiot’s guide on How To Be a Maverick. Enjoy.
Situation: You’re speeding, and there’s flashing lights on your tail.
Typical Response: Pull the hell over! Has Cops taught you nothing?
Maverick Response: Disregard the ridiculous sirens and continue on to where you’re going. You’re not gonna be weighed down by liberal police agendas – that is, until you hit the spike strip and burn out, at which point cops swarm the car like so many bacon-flavored hornets.
Situation: You’re in a fender-bender with a pristine ‘61 Series 1 Jaguar. It’s entirely your fault.
Typical Response: Pull over to make sure everybody’s okay, exchange information, then go home and tell the kids that Christmas is cancelled this year.
Maverick Response: To hell with these crumpet-munching elitists and their flashy foreign cars. Put ‘er in reverse, back up a good 20-25 feet, then gun it and smash into the car again – do some real damage this time. If your car is able, drive away. If not, get out and attack, attack, attack. Nothing says “Buy American” like a good old red-blooded beat down.
Situation: Your kid’s school is about to start teaching Sex Ed.
Typical Response: Find out what the curriculum will be, then have a mature, preemptive discussion with your child on what they’re about to learn.
Maverick Response: Who knows what twisted sort of gotcha perversion those people take part in? I heard they even use their mouths sometimes. Best to do the teaching yourself:
Situation: You head to the store to stock up on hot dogs and apple pie, but some jackass has parked their brand-new hippie hybrid horizontally across two spaces, handicapped spaces no less, while everyone else is running out of gas, doing laps around the parking lot as they wait for another spot to open up.
Typical Response: Grumble about the arrogance of some people, hoping a bird will shit on their windshield. Or them.
Maverick Response: Grab your toolbox out of the back and start dismantling that fucker. That’s right – take it apart right on the spot. You’ll be damned if some selfish anti-American hippie gets special treatment while the real Americans, the hard-working folks of America, have to drive in circles.
Yep, you’re handicapped now, bitch.
Situation: You’re behind a slow-moving vehicle in the passing lane on a busy freeway. It’s actually this car:
Typical Response: Laugh at their idiocy, ignorant hatred and mythical obsessions. Then flash your brights and ride their ass till they get over and let you pass. Amen.
Maverick Response: Pull up next to that glorious chariot of the prophets and wave at them to pull off to the side of the road. You’ve got a couple gifts for them in your own car:
Yep, those are authentic Maverick cigarettes:
Situation: You’re with your family at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, and a massive Harry Potter balloon comes into view.
Typical Response: “Oh hey look, it’s Harry Potter!”
Maverick Response: Teaching witchcraft to children? It’s tough enough to explain to the kids how Mommy only counts as one of Daddy’s ribs and dinosaurs were really Jesus Horses. Pull out your .357 Magnum (standard Maverick issue nowadays, don’cha know) and give that fucker the what-for. The children of this great, proud nation won’t be victims of the Hollywood elite and their Pagan smut. So what if people get hurt? Country first.
(pretend that’s a big Harry Potter balloon)
Situation: Your family camping vacation is interrupted by some rowdy, unsupervised teenagers who set their tents up nearby. They’re clearly drunk as hell, and still aren’t showing any signs of slowing at 3am. You’ve had enough.
Typical Response: Get up and ask them, politely but firmly, to shut the fuck up. If necessary, threaten them with the cops or a taser or herpes or whatever you can think of that won’t leave you outnumbered and ass-beaten. You do have a family to protect, after all, so it’s probably best not to enrage a bunch of drunk hormone factories.
Maverick Response: Fire.
You’ve voted directly in line with what is surely one of the very worst, most comprehensively nationally crippling Presidents in the history of our country. You did it over 90% of the time over the course of 8 disastrous years. Now you want his job.
Typical Response: First, openly admit to your mistakes, misgivings and role in the spastic, vicious downward spiral in the leadership of our nation. Then do your best to remember the admirable policies and ethics you fought so fiercely for eight long years ago, and spend your campaign convincing people that they can believe in you; that you stand for something, and you’re putting your best foot forward. Show them that by A) being clear and consistent about your policies and goals, and B) enlisting a vice-presidential candidate that’s within a stone’s throw of your own presidential qualifications, and shares your vision.
Maverick Response: Embark on a campaign of such staggeringly disgraceful and venomously deceitful proportions, a multi-demensional web of spins and McCarthyistic fearmongering lies so utterly blinding that your bald-faced patronization of the American public in your desperate attempt at cartoonishly flagrant polarization seems to almost be a favor, a deed of preemptive Vaudevillian requiem. Oh, and instead of a powerhouse of policy and experience, fill your VP slot with a winking pageant queen far, far out of her league and not so quick on the uptake.
And then expect people to believe you when you dress up the same administrative policies and failures on this side of the millennium as “Change” and something we should vote for, once again.
Today’s the big day, kids. Make sure you do your part. A lot of businesses have special promotions today to show voter support, so after you’re done voting, head over to Starbuck’s, Ben & Jerry’s or your local Krispy Kreme obesity clinic for some unhealthy free shit that won’t make you feel nearly as good as one of these free sexytimes treats.
See you on the other side.