Happy Smallpox Blankets and Turkey Day, boys and girls. Here’s a nice holiday video that has nothing whatsoever to do with the day. Or any holiday, for that matter. But it’s a thread in my tapestry, so I thought I’d share.

On a holiday-related note, here are 11 Interesting Facts About Thanksgiving you might use to break up that awkward silence at the dinner table. Also, if you’re sharing some gravy and carcass with a Republican this year, it might be good to keep these ten handy facts in mind. Gobble Gobble!

It’s hard to watch this video without feeling the slightest bit of sympathy for Dear Leader, as he’s shown walking across a line of world leaders without shaking or being asked to shake any of their hands. It’s no news that President Bush’s approval rating is at rock bottom here in the States, but with the end of his catastrophic looting marathon of America’s resources, military might and foreign policy fast approaching, world leaders are beginning to finally pull the veil on their disdain for the most arrogant, prickish, disastrous leader in this nation’s history.

Nixon and Hoover have absolutely nothing on George W. Bush. His presidency has been a kaleidoscopic eight-year gang-rape of everything decent this nation was founded upon. 

The importance of establishing international coalitions and lobbying for the will of your nation in order to protect your economic and security interests is paramount, and as a result these world leaders have all had to tow the Bush line in obedient silence for many years. After all, confronting a bully face to face, fist to fist is one thing, but when that bully has a military budget of $650 billion it may be necessary to let pillaging dogs lie (cheat and steal) until an opportunity presents itself. But change is on the horizon, and the world is now reacting to the real signs of hope for a U.S. presidency that’s nothing at all like the humiliating, disgraceful treachery we’ve seen in the past decade. 

I’m sure there are those out there who will rationalize this video, or even attempt to rhetorically demonize the world leaders for the snub. They’re likely the same hysterically deluded folks still insisting to anyone within earshot that Bill Clinton was responsible for both our economic downfall and 9/11. Hell, somebody had to vote for Michele Bachmann. But there’s an indisputable truth in play here that they simply don’t have the mechanisms to accept or the remaining political capital to efficiently spin (something they’ve had far too much of for far too long), and it will take nothing less than someone rewriting the playbook entirely to smack some sense into them.

That means scrapping the status quo of crude, fearmongering propaganda and shadow motives for major military engagements, beginning to pay attention to American public opinion and represent their common interests once again, reinstating core American values (and I’m not talking about dressing up fetuses – I’m referring to things like Habeus Corpus, torture standards and rights to privacy) and returning the bulk of our national resources to the places it belongs and is desperately needed: roads, schools, environmental progression and health care.

Bush has flagrantly discarded world opinion, broke pulverized a myriad of domestic and international laws, used vague warfare terminology as an excuse to strip away our individual liberties, shredded and shit on our constitution and, on top of it all, proudly lied to all of us in order to achieve and maintain a state of constant fear and herd submission in America that’s lasted nearly eight years.

As Ben Cohen wrote, “Every ex President (aside from Ronald Reagan who had alzheimers) has a role to play in public life after office. They give advice, do lecture tours, write books, sit on boards of huge companies and head non-profit organizations. How many people do you think will be itching to receive advice from W? How many companies would have him on their board? Who would buy his autobiography? Who would pay to hear him speak? No one. And that pretty much sums it up.”

It’s almost over.

Of all the enemies to public liberty war is, perhaps, the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other. War is the parent of armies; from these proceed debts and taxes … known instruments for bringing the many under the domination of the few.… No nation could preserve its freedom in the midst of continual warfare.

- James Madison, Political Observations, 1795

Yeah, so Los Angeles is on fire. Again.

The sun’s long gone, but the thermostat reads 87 degrees. Halfway through November. You can’t go outside without choking on bits of incinerated mansion, falling silent and beautiful, like snow. Except unlike a snowstorm, the sky above L.A. is a darkened, jaundiced yellow, and instead of that frosty wintertime chill it feels like you’re standing in an oven. Just one more reminder that as I’m driving out of this festering, wretched overstuffed boil of a hornet’s nest for the last time, I’ll most likely nearly kill myself swerving across traffic as I’m leaning out the window to give a double-fisted middle finger to this town.

The slug-race traffic, the viral Hollywood apathy, the celebration of vapidity and spiritual fads, the lack of weather, the rate of violent crime, the massive flock of pedophiles, the fact that if I make a wrong turn I’m on another planet, and a hostile one at that… and oh, the snowing ash every so often.

That's not snow.

Hey, this town works for some people. And that’s fine – if there’s anything that can be said about L.A., it’s that there’s always a little magic going down somewhere in the city. And there’s a high concentration of doors to knock on in my profession. But it’s just not where I feel most at home. And it’s getting under my skin much more than usual lately.

 
Yeah, go ahead…I’ll be right behind you.

Remember Tom Cruise flipping through the digital pages of the Xenu Handbook with those insane computers in Minority Report?

Well, welcome to the future.

One of the science advisors from the film, along with a team of other computer visionaries from Oblong Industries, has created an honest-to-goodness, real-world implementation of the computer systems seen in the movie. Dubbed G-Speak, the operating system combines “gestural i/o, recombinant networking, and real-world pixels,” to establish what the creators call “the first major step in computer interface since 1984.”

Considering the remarkable developments in thought-controlled mouse and cursor movement for quadriplegics, the future of computing looks infinitely amazing. If we can keep from killing ourselves, that is.

Say what you will about Clinton’s cigar collection or his association with a certain blue dress – the guy certainly had balls, but at least he kept the Oval Office door closed when he was doing Monica his business. 

President Bush, on the other hand, has decided to let his guard down a bit in his last 100 days in office. Could be that he’s suddenly not taking the “Worst President Ever” title quite as well as he did when the ship was running full steam, and he’s fully aware that people all over the world are looking forward to Jan. 21 like it’s dey berfday.

So Bush is on something of a “cool” tour. Or a “don’t hate me” tour. That includes visiting colleges and freely rockin’ the shocker for all the world to see:

Yes, this is real.

There’s been a relatively stale little joke going between myself and Skwerl for quite some time now – he often refers to me as a hippie, while I address him as… well, no need putting mustard on that mustard. But lately I’ve been thinking that our definitions of ‘hippie’ are a bit different:

Funny. Cute. Haha. No. This shit is retarded. It makes me want to pour used Hummer motor oil all over these Earth First! wackos, tie their hands to aerosol cans and force them to watch as I slash and burn the entire forest, which just so happens to include the last female of all the most adorable endangered animals on Earth.

Naturally, that’s not how I’d react, but if I saw a bunch of people wailing over a dead fucking tree I’d definitely be inclined to address the situation. Maybe with a newspaper. Maybe with a picture of one of their kids, getting their ass beaten at school because their mom’s a willfully retarded hippie who spends her time crying in the woods rather than showing her kid how to be a productive member of society and truly make a difference in a cause she believes in. Rather than wailing into a forest, dividing yourself from society even more, thus rendering your “efforts” flaccid, empty and useless.

Furthermore, if I were a distance away and heard people screaming in the woods like these people do at the end of the video – wailing like they’d just found their families hacked up – I’d be freaked the fuck out, Blair Witch style. If we can’t find a less ridiculous cause to obsess over, let’s learn to gauge the emotional intensity of our responses to situations, k? That kind of screaming is bound to get a person shot in the woods.

To be fair, I should include a little background on Earth First!. The group is best known for its reported botched bombing attempt in the UK 1990, when a bomb in Earth First! principal organizer Judi Bari’s car detonated, injuring her and fellow activist Darryl Cheney.

The group was formed in 1980 after angry environmentalists declared that the environmentalist movement had “sold out,” and that mainstream environmentalists were simply marionettes for corporate puppet masters. environmentalist. environmentalist.

The better-known Earth Liberation Front (ELF) and its sister group, the Animal Liberation Front (ALF) evolved from Earth First!. Each one represents a different shade in the lunatic hippie rainbow.

Here’s sampling of ALF’s brand of saving the world:

And some of ELF’s evnironmentally-friendly handiwork in Seattle:

This is why hippies need to smoke a ton of pot and spend their time following jam bands that play ten hour shows every night. When they get bored, they’re bound to do shit like think up ridiculous ways to save the world. And that’s no good.

I’ve had a pretty fucked up day. No sense romanticizing the details here, but this video pretty much singlehandedly brought me back to center. It’s from about 194 years ago, when Eddie Vedder was much more unjaded monkey passion junkie than mumbling, bearded recluse in fame-retardant flannel. Back before smiling wasn’t cool.

Jeff (Ament, bass/funny hat), Stone (Gossard, guitar) and Dave (Abbruzzese, awesome former drummer) are there, but I don’t know who the hell’s butchering the lead. It’s certainly not Mike, who could shred that little breakdown with his ass hairs. But I digress. It doesn’t matter who’s playing.

I’m not posting this because it’s an awesome musical performance. It’s not. What makes this special is the devoted enthusiasm – the unbridled passion and naked happiness of what would very soon be the biggest band in the world.

It’s just a bunch of friends having fun teaching one of their own how to play a Who song, encouraging and happy and fucking alive. 

And it saved my day.

Now the real work begins.

As far as I can remember, the last truly wonderful thing to happen that the entire world celebrated was the fall of the Berlin Wall. Hammers on stone, reducing a national divide to rubble.

So awesome. 

The look on this woman’s face says it all.

Of course, everything’s not going to be just fine. There are many very difficult battles to be fought. Electing the right President doesn’t fix all our problems. But these moments, last night, today and beyond, however long this glow of hope and promise lasts, are absolutely priceless. 

It feels like we’ve finally got something real to believe in, and it goes far beyond one man. Far beyond the crippling, divisive, aggressive, cynical attacks on our national integrity and direction. We now have a chance to reclaim our moral authority abroad, to realign our moral compass here on the home front.

45 years down the line, Martin Luther King’s Dream has come true. 

Let’s keep going.

The word Maverick meant something else entirely prior to this election cycle, but today’s Mavericks are spontaneous, impulse-reliant game-changers, always full of surprises and fire. Authority and rules are flexible entities to a Maverick, like a river flowing around a boulder – they’re designed to protect and serve the general population while staying the hell out of his way. A Maverick is governed by his own laws and ethics – the ones he considers righteous and patriotic, not some freakish liberal interpretation of what this country stands for. And he’s entitled to change his mind about any of those rules at any time he chooses.
  

Today may very well be the last time we’ll ever get the opportunity to learn from the biggest Maverick of them all, and a hearty hallefuckinglujea to that. But in honor of the dying presidential hopes of a desperate man and his sitcom-reject joke of a running mate, I’ve put together something of an idiot’s guide on How To Be a Maverick. Enjoy. 

Situation: You’re speeding, and there’s flashing lights on your tail.
 
Typical Response: Pull the hell over! Has Cops taught you nothing? 

Maverick Response: Disregard the ridiculous sirens and continue on to where you’re going. You’re not gonna be weighed down by liberal police agendas – that is, until you hit the spike strip and burn out, at which point cops swarm the car like so many bacon-flavored hornets. 

Fuck.

Situation: You’re in a fender-bender with a pristine ‘61 Series 1 Jaguar. It’s entirely your fault.

Typical Response: Pull over to make sure everybody’s okay, exchange information, then go home and tell the kids that Christmas is cancelled this year.

Maverick Response: To hell with these crumpet-munching elitists and their flashy foreign cars. Put ‘er in reverse, back up a good 20-25 feet, then gun it and smash into the car again – do some real damage this time. If your car is able, drive away. If not, get out and attack, attack, attack. Nothing says “Buy American” like a good old red-blooded beat down.

Situation: Your kid’s school is about to start teaching Sex Ed.
 
Typical Response: Find out what the curriculum will be, then have a mature, preemptive discussion with your child on what they’re about to learn.

Maverick Response: Who knows what twisted sort of gotcha perversion those people take part in? I heard they even use their mouths sometimes. Best to do the teaching yourself:

Situation: You head to the store to stock up on hot dogs and apple pie, but some jackass has parked their brand-new hippie hybrid horizontally across two spaces, handicapped spaces no less, while everyone else is running out of gas, doing laps around the parking lot as they wait for another spot to open up.

Typical Response: Grumble about the arrogance of some people, hoping a bird will shit on their windshield. Or them.

Maverick Response: Grab your toolbox out of the back and start dismantling that fucker. That’s right – take it apart right on the spot. You’ll be damned if some selfish anti-American hippie gets special treatment while the real Americans, the hard-working folks of America, have to drive in circles.

Yep, you’re handicapped now, bitch.

Situation: You’re behind a slow-moving vehicle in the passing lane on a busy freeway. It’s actually this car:

Typical Response: Laugh at their idiocy, ignorant hatred and mythical obsessions. Then flash your brights and ride their ass till they get over and let you pass. Amen.

Maverick Response: Pull up next to that glorious chariot of the prophets and wave at them to pull off to the side of the road. You’ve got a couple gifts for them in your own car:

Delicious.

Situation: You’re with your family at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, and a massive Harry Potter balloon comes into view.

Typical Response: “Oh hey look, it’s Harry Potter!” 

Maverick Response: Teaching witchcraft to children? It’s tough enough to explain to the kids how Mommy only counts as one of Daddy’s ribs and dinosaurs were really Jesus Horses. Pull out your .357 Magnum (standard Maverick issue nowadays, don’cha know) and give that fucker the what-for. The children of this great, proud nation won’t be victims of the Hollywood elite and their Pagan smut. So what if people get hurt? Country first.

(pretend that’s a big Harry Potter balloon)
 

Situation: Your family camping vacation is interrupted by some rowdy, unsupervised teenagers who set their tents up nearby. They’re clearly drunk as hell, and still aren’t showing any signs of slowing at 3am. You’ve had enough.
 
Typical Response: Get up and ask them, politely but firmly, to shut the fuck up. If necessary, threaten them with the cops or a taser or herpes or whatever you can think of that won’t leave you outnumbered and ass-beaten. You do have a family to protect, after all, so it’s probably best not to enrage a bunch of drunk hormone factories.

Maverick Response: Fire. 

Typical Response: First, openly admit to your mistakes, misgivings and role in the spastic, vicious downward spiral in the leadership of our nation. Then do your best to remember the admirable policies and ethics you fought so fiercely for eight long years ago, and spend your campaign convincing people that they can believe in you; that you stand for something, and you’re putting your best foot forward. Show them that by A) being clear and consistent about your policies and goals, and B) enlisting a vice-presidential candidate that’s within a stone’s throw of your own presidential qualifications, and shares your vision.

Maverick Response: Embark on a campaign of such staggeringly disgraceful and venomously deceitful proportions, a multi-demensional web of spins and McCarthyistic fearmongering lies so utterly blinding that your bald-faced patronization of the American public in your desperate attempt at cartoonishly flagrant polarization seems to almost be a favor, a deed of preemptive Vaudevillian requiem. Oh, and instead of a powerhouse of policy and experience, fill your VP slot with a winking pageant queen far, far out of her league and not so quick on the uptake.

And then expect people to believe you when you dress up the same administrative policies and failures on this side of the millennium as “Change” and something we should vote for, once again.

Today’s the big day, kids. Make sure you do your part. A lot of businesses have special promotions today to show voter support, so after you’re done voting, head over to Starbuck’s, Ben & Jerry’s or your local Krispy Kreme obesity clinic for some unhealthy free shit that won’t make you feel nearly as good as one of these free sexytimes treats.

See you on the other side.

Can’t wait for election day.
Witness the occupation.
Corporations rule the day.
Well you know the pendulum throws.
Farther out to the one side swinging.
Has to sweep back the other way. 
The world has come undone.
Another day and who can wait.
Change don’t come at once.
It’s a wave, building before it breaks. 
All this hope and nowhere to go.
This is how I used to feel but no more. 

VOTE.